One of my favorite songs ever written is a a song called “Be Not So Fearful” by Bill Fay. I heard it for the first time about 7 years ago when I watched the Wilco documentary. Which if you haven’t seen, go watch it right now. Even if you don’t care about Wilco (which is dumb) its one of the best band docs ever made.
Anyways, at a certain point in that film, Jeff Tweedy starts playing this song on an acoustic guitar backstage at a show. Its lyrics are simple:
Be not so nervous, be not so frail
Someone watches you, you will not fail
Be not so nervous, be not so frail
Be not so nervous, be not so frail
Be not so sorry for what you've done
You must forget them now, it's done
And when you wake up you will find you can run
Be not so sorry for what you've done
But as simple as they may be, paired with the melody and the strings arrangement this song absolutely destroys me.
Theres a lot going on right now. Our baby is due in less than 6 weeks and every morning I wake up with just a subtle note of good ol’ anxiety. Throughout the day it remains a dull ache. I don’t know exactly where it’s stemming from but I would put my money on it being caused by “I’m going to be a dad, holy fucking shit” or something in that vein.
The weird part is I’m not nervous to be a dad! Not in my conscious mind at least. I have always wanted this and every day I get more and more excited to meet my daughter.
But subconsciously, I’m am obviously freaking the fuck out. Maybe theres a part of me that worries I won’t be a good father, or that I haven’t done enough to prepare for whats to come.
I’ve been assuming that once the baby is here, this little anxious part of myself will evaporate and be replaced with an intense love and care for her instead. I’ve heard that your value of self changes when you have a kid. You know, like: “who cares what I feel, this isn’t about me anymore”. I feel that already when I see Sara struggling with the pregnancy throughout the weeks. So I have no doubt that a change is coming.
But the other day, this song came on and I hadn’t heard it in maybe a year. Hearing it for the first time as an expecting dad… man it fucking hit me. This is a song of self acceptance, forgiveness, growth, hope, courage…. and it’s 8 fucking repeating lines with a runtime of 2:46. It made me excited to even have this anxiety and I felt so fortunate to be so close to starting this new part of my life!
It’s going to be terrifying at times! It’s going to be difficult. But as each day inevitably flies by I will hear these words. When I blink and she’s 12, I will hear this song.
Be not so nervous, Be not so frail….
Anyways, I listened to that song 6 times in a row on the treadmill the other day. It was a crazy vibe.
Have a good thanksgiving! Listen to this song:
xoxo Mikey
😭😭